a rollercoaster

April 19, 2011

Peace Corps forewarned that our 27-month dedication to live abroad would be full of ups and downs; a rollercoaster of highs and lows. They even hand out a timeline displaying when those highs and lows are likely to happen- usually along the same path as culture shock adaptation and re-adaptation and re-adaptation and...

I’ve hit a low and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. A loss of motivation. A feeling of insignificance after 11 months at site. Committing two years of my finite life in an attempt to ‘make the world a better place’ isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. Instead of being valued for my educational background and new ideas, my work community looks to me as a walking advertisement to increase school enrollment- ‘the native speaker who looks like a stereotypical American should look.’

Although no one has said those exact words, they’ve come pretty close. I’m ready to get dirty, not just be an alluring face.

As a result of this slump, I realize now more than ever what truly makes me happy in this whole crazy experience: watching and helping kids learn. For now, forget the other teachers and the untimely meetings and the shady administration and my homestay family. Hands on, one-on-one, I can see my kids’ improvement. From my elementary school kids who spontaneously stop by my house in between the days we have English Camp; to my high school students who ask for help outside of class or text me with their ever-improving English; to my host siblings, both of whose English has drastically improved over the last few months, I’m most happy when I see one of them finally ‘get it’. I can’t make every person fluent in English, but I can gradually help students improve their vocabulary and understanding of the language; and better yet, increase their confidence along the way.

April 5, 2011

Did not see that coming. Made a student cry today. I figured her group would be upset when I confronted them outside of class about copying their drama from the internet. I didn’t think there would be tears. But the confrontation led to the realization that my students (specifically in this class) are stressed about being perfect. Terrified of making mistakes, but wanting to improve. I never thought of myself as a threatening teacher, but this group of students admitted that they were scared of me. Not the impression I want to exude, and I think all of the other PCVs would laugh if they heard me described that way.

But I think that’s part of the cultural exchange. As an American, I’m more direct with my expectations. What I consider constructive feedback may be taken as severe criticism by my students.

I left that small group meeting feeling pretty low. About the situation. About myself. About how to proceed with the remainder of my time here. I relayed what I had learned to my co teacher, and it’s been weighing on my mind ever since. How can I make it better?

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I just opened a text message from this student. This is the first time she’s ever sent me an SMS. Giving out my number and offering individual extra help isn’t always the most successful approach, but today it worked. She’s feeling much better and is eager to improve her English. Sometimes you have to go down before you can go up. And maybe the tears from earlier this afternoon were necessary in moving forward for both of us...and in building those one-on-one relationships that so often epitomize a significant Peace Corps experience.

April 20, 2011

I love eating breakfast out on my front porch. Everyone else is inside watching TV or getting ready for school and it seems to be the only time it’s cool enough to enjoy a substantial period of time outdoors…up until about 6:30 am when I can already feel the sun beating down. My once pristine view of corn fields and Mount Penanggungan was quickly replaced by the construction of new houses. I guess that’s the price for living on the most densely populated island in the world. Every day new faces walk by. Today, two little boys, slightly younger than my oldest niece who just turned 6, were walking their two grown goats (roughly the same size as the boys) to graze in between two of the newly built houses. It made me reflect on the roles of children around the world. Right now, back in Colorado, little E would be picking out her weather-appropriate clothes for school, feeding herself the breakfast her parents prepared and being escorted to the bus which would then take her to school. In Indonesia, children the same age are still handfed by their parents, play with knives and fire, and are expected to take care of goats. The teachers at my school are amazed when I tell them that both my 3 and 6 year old nieces can not only feed themselves, but sleep alone and dress themselves. “Wow, how do you teach them that?!?!” My answer: The same way you teach Indonesian children to not use their left hand in public, or to bring an elder’s hand to their cheek as a sign of respect…it’s learned behavior. In some ways Indonesian children seem so much more grown up and experienced than kids in America, and in others, so sheltered and dependent. It’s interesting to see what is prioritized in different countries. One’s not necessarily better than the other, just different.

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I’m starting to realize why there are so many accounts of PCVs marrying other PCVs. They’re the only ones who really understand what this whole experience is like. As much as one can blog or call home to share about this experience, it can be difficult to fully grasp the conditions here unless you live it every day. It’s great to have support from back home, but I wish everyone could come out and live and work with me for a month to see it first hand.

On that note, my parents are coming out in June for a few weeks! Can’t wait to show them around site then escape to one of the other islands for a bit…maybe even go down to Australia.

April 21, 2011

Beauty. Perceived differently around the world. What unites us all is that every girl is at some point (or several points) in her life self-conscious about the way she looks, regardless of how beautiful she is considered by the rest of society.

There are three little girls who periodically come over to my house after evening prayer to study English. Usually we just practice reading stories from Highlights magazines or have vocab races with the flashcards my mom sent out. Last night we made ‘love letters’ for our friends and family. When they asked who I was making mine for, I pulled out a picture of me with my four closest friends from high school.

I’ve commented that skin color is of foremost significance here, but I was still shocked at the first words that came out of the girls’ mouths. ‘Hitam, hitam! Yang lain lebih cantik!” They immediately singled out my friend who was tanner than the rest of us- not considered black by any stretch of the American imagination, but golden by comparison due to some quality time spent at the tanning salon. This particular friend is considered strikingly beautiful by American standards. Bronze skin, blond hair, stylish, perfect hair and makeup. She was even a contestant on The Bachelor “Wings of Love”. But all these girls could see was that she had darker skin than the rest of us- darker skin that my friend had striven to attain. In their 4^th grade minds that made her different, different in a negative way.

There’s such an emphasis placed on physical appearance here. I’ve heard stories of the ‘pretty’ students getting higher scores than their less ideal looking classmates based solely on the fact that they have fairer skin and a pointed nose. Not my favorite part of Indonesian culture, but something that will not change during my short time here. But I still share about the different types of beauty all over the world in hopes that these girls might one day look in a mirror and think that their nose and skin and eyes and hair are beautiful. And one day, maybe they’ll even share with their children that physical beauty is only skin deep- what’s more important is what's inside.

That being said, it still totally makes my day when an 8 year-old little boy runs up to me, expending all of his courage, to tell me that his equally young friend thinks I’m pretty.

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EARTH DAY

Earth Day (April 22, 2011)

As part of an assignment at ‘teacher training’ a few months ago, the science teachers were asked to come up with a hypothetical plan for composting at our school. I was stoked to hear that thoughts of composting were circulating through the minds and mouths of the teachers. But that was the last and only time I heard any discussion about it. Weeks later it was still just a thought on a missing piece of paper, and a constant on my mind. So in hopes of doing something productive at my school before my two years comes to a close, I approached one of the biology teachers who seemed to have a more vested interest in the potential of composting. And that’s how our Plant for MAN Mojosari group came about; a group composed of 8 teachers spanning the Biology, Chemistry, Geography and English faculties, each of whom is optimistic about working towards a more eco-friendly school. Of course, my idea of a green school and that of my fellow teachers differs somewhat. Needless to say, I may have been slightly overambitious.

Soon after, the not-yet-named Plant for MAN Mojosari group started fairly-regular weekly meetings to discuss the idea of composting at our school, and eventually scaled back our lofty ambitions to something a bit more manageable and multifunctional: planting a garden. The biology teachers were eager to have it as a new biology lab, the chemistry teachers for experiments, the geography teachers for the 10^th grade curriculum, and I was excited to take the first step in a greener direction.

Hours spent on a proposal to be submitted to our principal, combined with the time spent researching ways to incorporate our ideas into the current national curriculum, and creating sample projects to share with the students (smaller bamboo gardens) absorbed most of my mental energy for several weeks, but it felt nice to be working towards something. We selected two students from each class to help with the project and little by little worked our way towards launching the project.

working on our small, but very loved garden

I’m not going to lie; planning was by far not the easiest part. Conflicting views on how to handle logistics, fund the project, include the students and when to ‘launch’ made it a bit stressful at times. Not to mention everyone’s different concept of being on time. But like most projects, it was well worth it in the end. Each student brought two plants from home, categorized them based on their scientific family, and started working even though it should have been a holiday- Good Friday. Yeah, most of the girls were afraid to get dirty, so they used a plastic bag as hand protection from the soil; and the other teachers showed up at least an hour late or not at all, but we did it! It was less than structured, but that’s how things roll at my school. Now it’s just a matter of maintaining our project goals and objectives. We’ve already started outlining how to compost at our school and taken the first baby steps towards becoming more environmentally friendly. Now if I could only get the students and teachers to throw their trash in the plentiful trash bins around our school…

preparing the soil

sorting the plants

identifying the scientific family

mixing in the compost- protected by plastic bags

teacher shot


one of the many hardworking students

April 24, 2011- Earth Day cont.

Today at our English Kids Camp, we watched FernGully- FernGully with successfully translated Indonesian subtitles (after many, many long hours and an absurd amount of help from a good friend and a dictionary)! The kids loved it! Sparked a conversation about organic and inorganic trash and led to a trash pick-up race. Helping the environment can be fun.

April 25, 2011

Today concluded our Earth Day garden project. Our principal ceremoniously planted an avocado tree. Well, actually she posed with it. Bright pink ribbon-wrapped trowel in one hand, tree in the other. After pictures the students got down in the soil and did the dirty work- no protective plastic bags this time! The Jawa Pos, a regional newspaper, came to cover the story, so we were also able to show off the beginnings of our composting project as well as the environment posters my kids had made as part of a group assignment the week before. The students did a great job explaining the composting process to the reporter, and I think having another party interested in our project was really encouraging for them. We’re hoping that this little bit of publicity will boost support and enthusiasm from people who are higher up and who could potentially help out financially in the future so that we can expand our green efforts. As chaotic as it seemed at times, we successfully completed the first step. I look forward to updating everyone on our future ventures. Wish us luck!

posing with the avocado tree

showing off the beginnings of our composting project